Having a daughter is an experience like none other. No one can prepare you for the way your first born will change your life, and no could prepare me for the way my sweet Ashley would make me want to become the best woman I can be. Aged ten, Ashley shines in the uniqueness that makes her a wonderful little person. When she was born, I felt like I had won the lottery. She was a beautiful baby, easy to care for, and usually extremely happy and content. My heart learned what true love was during those early bonding days. To me she was perfection on Earth. As she grew, she continued to delight us with her sweet spirit, and "grown-up" ways. You see from a very early age, Ashley showed the world that she was actually a very wise old soul, sportin around in a cute, chubby-faced, little body. She was expectionally perceptive, and intuitive, and wise beyond her years. She indeed is still all of those things. Although she played like typical children, and delighted in the ever-new journey of childhood, there was a side to her that was seeded in realism, and a deep emotional and social understanding for her age. I remember taking her to Disneyland for the first time when she was three and a half years old. She strutted around that place much like most young children, like she was in the most magical of locations. However, when I suggested that she stand next to Minnie Mouse for a picture, she said, "No thanks. I know that isn't Minnie Mouse, and there is a real person inside of there." How could I argue that? She had figured out the truth! :) Her maturity at such a young age should have prepared me for another "grown-up" conversation to come at the age of five. While traveling through town, she asked me the question I had been dreading. Inquisitive over the topics of love, marriage, relationships, etc., she asked me about my age when I married her father. Although I was happily married to her father at the time, I didn't find it easy to explain to her that I wished I hadn't married so young. I was 20 when I married her dad. So, I explained how difficult it can be to be married so young while you are still figuring out work, school, personal values, etc. I told her that although her dad and I had made it work, we really hoped that she would wait until she was older to get married, and that we hoped she would focus on herself, college, etc., and maybe wait until at least her late twenties to get married. There was a bit of silence, and then I asked, "Ashley what do you think about that?" She replied, "I think I'd like to make my own decisions when I grow up." Remember, she was only five! Only five, and she basically put me in my place. ;) It has been the same ever since.
Today Ashley is in the fifth grade, and is thriving as a tween, creating her own identity, establishing her own values, and learning how to be the best she can be while still caring for others. She does well in school, and has her core group of silly, giggly, not-quite-teen girlfriends. They are funny and LOUD when they are together. She loves her family, and does her best to follow the rules, and to stay in my good graces. She also gets embarrassed by me sometimes, and yet at other times thinks I am the coolest mom around. I never know when these times will be, so I just go with it, and try not to get too comfy in either the "dork mom" or "cool mom" role. Ashley is quite talented, singing and acting in over eight plays/musicals now. Her latest endeavor will be to play her first "male" role in Fiddler on the Roof. We can't wait to see her on stage again come January. She is a good girl, and my heart often bursts with pride. But along with all this love and pride that I feel for my first born, my baby girl, I also find myself sometimes over-analyzing my parenting choices, and worrying that I am not doing enough to teach her about life, and the things that she will face down the road. Parenting can be so daunting at times! I want her to know the things that I know, and to avoid the mistakes that I have made. I want her to foster that strength and confidence that comes naturally to her, but to take steps forward with grace, and humility. I want her to be successful, but to know that without real self-love, faith in the Lord, and good character, worldly success won't mean much. I want her to feel and know the joy of being a woman, and the blessings that come along with that. I also want her to know the unconditional love and acceptance of a soulmate one day. She has so much in store for her, and it is a treasure and an honor to get to be a part of it all. Although there is much ahead, and undoubtedly much that I am not prepared for, I think for now I will try to treasure the crazy, charge-up-to-mom-on-the-school-playground hugs. (Which by the way only happen on days when I am "cool mom.") I will enjoy it when she out of the blue reaches over to hold my hand in the car. And I will listen EVERY time she wants to talk, and maybe even lurk around the corner when she is on the phone with her friends. I will be PRESENT, and not miss a moment. My girl is so worth it!
