My Michelin Man

Last week I sat in the small conference room at my son's school surrounded by the team of school support staff, and my ex husband. I signed the required paperwork, and listened to my parental rights, and then sat with ears perked as everyone spoke to Ethan's progress, growth, and continued challenges. As we all shared stories, concerns, and suggestions, I couldn't help flashing back to the fat little baby who stole my heart each and every day of his young life, and of the sweet little toddler who was anxious, awkward, and clearly delayed. My son is now 8, almost 9, and has come so far from those early days of doctor visits, trips to psychologists and therapists offices, and my whirlwind journey in getting him services and help.

It was over 5 years ago when my precious little boy threw me for the biggest loop when he had what I now know was an anxiety attack at a local park. Ethan was 3, and was exploring the play structure while I trailed closely behind. It was an early morning, and the park was nearly empty. He seemed happy and content. However, within a 10-15 minute time span the park became crowded. Moms, children, tricycles, balls, and sand toys quickly abounded. My boy within minutes became extremely overwhelmed. Instead of continuing to play amongst the surroundings, and to explore the new additions and little people, I found Ethan crouched down by a tree, crying, and saying, "Go home momma, go home." He was anxious and afraid, and I was perplexed and worried. It was then that my focus and plans for this little guy took a whole new direction. For months I made Ethan's diagnosis and treatment plan my largest focus. So much so that I neglected myself, and developed shingles (probably due to all those late night stress sessions pouring over anything Google could bring me about developmental delays, Autism, etc.). As I traveled down every avenue searching for information and help for my son, some were less than optimistic and not really helpful. I ignored those folks. Instead I found help for my boy through the school district, the Speech and Language Clinic at Fresno State (special shout out to Christine Maul - a wonderful professor and advocate for children with special needs, and a friend and mentor to me at the time), and I found great hope and help through the Brent Woodall Foundation for Children. (Check out their website. http://www.woodallkids.org/ They are awesome!) With special therapies and preschools, along with interventions at home, Ethan began to learn, and overcome some of his cognitive and language struggles. And at the age of 6 he entered regular ed kindergarten, even though we paid a neuropsychologist some big bucks 3 years prior to tell us that regular education, and possibly public school all together wouldn't be an option for Ethan. Poo on you Mr. Psych! You were SO wrong! Ethan is now in the 3rd grade, and functions quite well in the regular classroom. He has a few interventions and modifications, and continues to work to overcome some of his struggles, but boy has he been successful.

When my babies were born, I loved them more than life itself, and I couldn't imagine them not growing up to be smart, wise, successful, etc. You know, we moms think it is going to be OUR kid who finds the cure for cancer. ;) My naivety may have been exposed through this process of being Ethan's mom/advocate/cheerleader, but one thing I know for sure now is that Ethan can and will be exactly what and who he is supposed to be, and I will love him more and more every day. During the stressful and uncertain early days of getting Ethan diagnosed I remember crying one night, and saying to his father, "But I don't want him to just grown up and bag groceries for the rest of his life!" To that, his dad replied, "You have got to accept that that might be the best Ethan can do, and as long as he is happy, it will be ok." His dad was right. So now I say, Ethan you become whatever you want to. Grow up and bag groceries if your heart desires. Teach, build, drive, blow our minds, or whatever. Just be happy, and let the world see your beautiful and pleasant spirit, and don't for one day hide those adorable dimples from anyone. My "Michelin Man" baby is now a big boy, and I love him big time!

The Big D Word

Ok, so I have been trying to think of a way to write about the big elephant in the room, the thing that many people seem to be curious about, and the thing that I sometimes want to spew on and on about, and at other times want to never speak of again. It is the fact that I am now divorced. There it is, the big, ugly 'D' word. Going though a divorce was by far the most difficult thing I have yet to encounter in life, and yes it was a very big part of my life. In fact it was the all-consuming part of my life for over two years. Going through such a traumatic event surely effects people in many different ways. For me, going through the emotional part of my divorce was like living outside of myself, and watching a piece of me slowly die away. Indeed a piece of me did die. However, the piece that died produced growth and new life that far exceeded my expectations. A good friend reminded me recently that you find out how strong you really are when you have to be. This was the case for me. While my world was turned upside down, and my heart was breaking, I refused to let divorce destroy me or my children. Through the grace of God, some valuable therapy, time at Celebrate Recovery, and some help from some wonderful friends and family, I not only survived divorce, I became a better, stronger, and more capable person because of divorce.

During some of the darker days of the divorce I prayed for a new friend. I even told my therapist that I wished I had a girlfriend that I could talk to; someone who didn't know my children or my family, and could offer advice while giving me assurance of privacy. A couple of weeks later, I sat across the room from a woman whom I shared two classes with at Fresno City College, and we made eye contact. It was then that we both almost simultaneously asked, "Do I know you?" After a brief conversation we learned that we had not had any connection prior to this time. We did however have much in common. We were the exact same age. We had both been in long term marriages (10 plus years), and were both mothers to young children. We were also both Christians. She however was much farther along in the process of her painful divorce, and she was far less upset with God than I was. She was the friend I had prayed for! Sharing countless stories with one another, our friendship grew, and I quickly learned that she had much to teach me. It was this friend who kept praying with me, giving me scriptures to comfort me, and kept inviting me to Celebrate Recovery at her church, despite months of my excuses. It was also this friend who brought me back to a place of love and trust for God. One day with tears and anger, I expressed to her that I didn't understand why God would do this to me. After all, why would God let my family far apart, and let my husband fall out of love with me? In patience and love, she looked at me with pure conviction and said, "Shannon God did not do this to you! We live in a fallen world, and He may allow things to happen, because we as humans have free will. He did not cause this, but He CAN bring something good from something so ugly and painful IF you will let Him." She stopped me dead in my tracks of self-pity. It was THAT moment that I decided to try it God's way. I began praying, and drawing near to Him. I started attending Celebrate Recovery, and I began to practice the ever difficult teachings of forgiveness. It definitely wasn't an overnight or easy process, but slowly God began to heal me, and teach me amazing things about myself, my life, trusting and forgiving others, and He provided me renewed hope.

So, yes I am divorced, and to some that might put me in a category of earning a hideous "scarlet letter," but to me that big 'D' word stands for total transformation, and a renewed life. Of course I hope to never again go through something like it, and if I had to do it over again, I would change many things, but I wouldn't trade what I have gained for anything. As I continue to write, I will undoubtedly share bits and pieces of the divorce experience. I however don't plan to give a detailed sequence of events. If you are curious about that let's arrange a coffee date. My good friends will tell you that with some caffeine and a listening ear I can go on and on. ;)

Once when I was angry and hurt, and questioning my ex about his choices, he in exasperation asked, "You're going to be one of those old, bitter, and lonely divorced women, aren't you?" At that time I couldn't respond. Today, I shout "No, in fact I'm not." :)