Giving Myself a High Five

As Thanksgiving draws near I find myself overwhelmed by blessings. Like most others I see this as an opportunity to be mindful of the "things" (actually PEOPLE) that mean so much to me. Of course my children, my family, and my friends bring me cause for gratitude, but this year is different. This year has been a year of even greater blessings, and sometimes I feel as if I could burst with excitement, joy, and even a bit of disbelief. This year my life saw a painful and challenging chapter come to a close, while a new and beautiful chapter began. This year I met the true love of my life! Who would have known that as I prayed for God's direction and plan to unfold on New Year's Day that eight days later He would bring me the man who is my soulmate and partner for life?! Those who have seen the details of my life know full well how awesome this has been. It has been like being upgraded from coach to first class, and it still amazes me.

A couple of years ago my world came crashing down, and with it my heart was broken. During the excruciating process of watching my marriage fall apart, and struggling through all the hurts involved, I kept a couple of good friends close. One of these girls had also suffered an unwanted divorce, and was somewhat of a mentor to me. She prayed with me, gave me reasons to smile, and even tried to spread a little hope for the future. One day while telling me about how she gives herself "high fives" now after encounters with her ex husband, we laughed ourselves silly. It wasn't until later when some of my pain started to subside that I really began to understand the significance of that silliness. To her it was a way to say "thanks" for freedom from the pain brought to her by her ex. During this same time in my life I had another good friend try to tell me through my tears that this might just be a blessing in disguise (meaning my husband's desire to end the marriage). Although I couldn't then see how this disaster could be a blessing, we now talk regularly about how right she was. And so now that my life has come full circle, and I have found freedom from the past, along with healing and happiness, I regularly give myself high fives. Yes as crazy as it might sound, I take the example of my fellow 30-something divorcee friend, and often throw my right hand up in the air and slap it down to meet the left hand. Sometimes when I can't physically give myself a high five (like when I am driving, or smiling and nodding while my ex goes on about something that we need to discuss), I just do a mental high five and make note of the way my heart feels filled with love and gratitude.

And so this Thanksgiving I will raise my glass of cheap red wine, and knock glasses with MY Stephen, and those two little faces that make me proud to wear the title "Mom" and say, "Thank you God," and afterwards when no one is looking I just might slap my hands together in the air, smile and know that I have been blessed!

Nothing Like A Daughter

Having a daughter is an experience like none other. No one can prepare you for the way your first born will change your life, and no could prepare me for the way my sweet Ashley would make me want to become the best woman I can be. Aged ten, Ashley shines in the uniqueness that makes her a wonderful little person. When she was born, I felt like I had won the lottery. She was a beautiful baby, easy to care for, and usually extremely happy and content. My heart learned what true love was during those early bonding days. To me she was perfection on Earth. As she grew, she continued to delight us with her sweet spirit, and "grown-up" ways. You see from a very early age, Ashley showed the world that she was actually a very wise old soul, sportin around in a cute, chubby-faced, little body. She was expectionally perceptive, and intuitive, and wise beyond her years. She indeed is still all of those things. Although she played like typical children, and delighted in the ever-new journey of childhood, there was a side to her that was seeded in realism, and a deep emotional and social understanding for her age. I remember taking her to Disneyland for the first time when she was three and a half years old. She strutted around that place much like most young children, like she was in the most magical of locations. However, when I suggested that she stand next to Minnie Mouse for a picture, she said, "No thanks. I know that isn't Minnie Mouse, and there is a real person inside of there." How could I argue that? She had figured out the truth! :) Her maturity at such a young age should have prepared me for another "grown-up" conversation to come at the age of five. While traveling through town, she asked me the question I had been dreading. Inquisitive over the topics of love, marriage, relationships, etc., she asked me about my age when I married her father. Although I was happily married to her father at the time, I didn't find it easy to explain to her that I wished I hadn't married so young. I was 20 when I married her dad. So, I explained how difficult it can be to be married so young while you are still figuring out work, school, personal values, etc. I told her that although her dad and I had made it work, we really hoped that she would wait until she was older to get married, and that we hoped she would focus on herself, college, etc., and maybe wait until at least her late twenties to get married. There was a bit of silence, and then I asked, "Ashley what do you think about that?" She replied, "I think I'd like to make my own decisions when I grow up." Remember, she was only five! Only five, and she basically put me in my place. ;) It has been the same ever since. 

Today Ashley is in the fifth grade, and is thriving as a tween, creating her own identity, establishing her own values, and learning how to be the best she can be while still caring for others. She does well in school, and has her core group of silly, giggly, not-quite-teen girlfriends. They are funny and LOUD when they are together. She loves her family, and does her best to follow the rules, and to stay in my good graces. She also gets embarrassed by me sometimes, and yet at other times thinks I am the coolest mom around. I never know when these times will be, so I just go with it, and try not to get too comfy in either the "dork mom" or "cool mom" role. Ashley is quite talented, singing and acting in over eight plays/musicals now. Her latest endeavor will be to play her first "male" role in Fiddler on the Roof. We can't wait to see her on stage again come January. She is a good girl, and my heart often bursts with pride. But along with all this love and pride that I feel for my first born, my baby girl, I also find myself sometimes over-analyzing my parenting choices, and worrying that I am not doing enough to teach her about life, and the things that she will face down the road. Parenting can be so daunting at times! I want her to know the things that I know, and to avoid the mistakes that I have made. I want her to foster that strength and confidence that comes naturally to her, but to take steps forward with grace, and humility. I want her to be successful, but to know that without real self-love, faith in the Lord, and good character, worldly success won't mean much. I want her to feel and know the joy of being a woman, and the blessings that come along with that. I also want her to know the unconditional love and acceptance of a soulmate one day. She has so much in store for her, and it is a treasure and an honor to get to be a part of it all. Although there is much ahead, and undoubtedly much that I am not prepared for, I think for now I will try to treasure the crazy, charge-up-to-mom-on-the-school-playground hugs. (Which by the way only happen on days when I am "cool mom.") I will enjoy it when she out of the blue reaches over to hold my hand in the car. And I will listen EVERY time she wants to talk, and maybe even lurk around the corner when she is on the phone with her friends. I will be PRESENT, and not miss a moment. My girl is so worth it!

My Michelin Man

Last week I sat in the small conference room at my son's school surrounded by the team of school support staff, and my ex husband. I signed the required paperwork, and listened to my parental rights, and then sat with ears perked as everyone spoke to Ethan's progress, growth, and continued challenges. As we all shared stories, concerns, and suggestions, I couldn't help flashing back to the fat little baby who stole my heart each and every day of his young life, and of the sweet little toddler who was anxious, awkward, and clearly delayed. My son is now 8, almost 9, and has come so far from those early days of doctor visits, trips to psychologists and therapists offices, and my whirlwind journey in getting him services and help.

It was over 5 years ago when my precious little boy threw me for the biggest loop when he had what I now know was an anxiety attack at a local park. Ethan was 3, and was exploring the play structure while I trailed closely behind. It was an early morning, and the park was nearly empty. He seemed happy and content. However, within a 10-15 minute time span the park became crowded. Moms, children, tricycles, balls, and sand toys quickly abounded. My boy within minutes became extremely overwhelmed. Instead of continuing to play amongst the surroundings, and to explore the new additions and little people, I found Ethan crouched down by a tree, crying, and saying, "Go home momma, go home." He was anxious and afraid, and I was perplexed and worried. It was then that my focus and plans for this little guy took a whole new direction. For months I made Ethan's diagnosis and treatment plan my largest focus. So much so that I neglected myself, and developed shingles (probably due to all those late night stress sessions pouring over anything Google could bring me about developmental delays, Autism, etc.). As I traveled down every avenue searching for information and help for my son, some were less than optimistic and not really helpful. I ignored those folks. Instead I found help for my boy through the school district, the Speech and Language Clinic at Fresno State (special shout out to Christine Maul - a wonderful professor and advocate for children with special needs, and a friend and mentor to me at the time), and I found great hope and help through the Brent Woodall Foundation for Children. (Check out their website. http://www.woodallkids.org/ They are awesome!) With special therapies and preschools, along with interventions at home, Ethan began to learn, and overcome some of his cognitive and language struggles. And at the age of 6 he entered regular ed kindergarten, even though we paid a neuropsychologist some big bucks 3 years prior to tell us that regular education, and possibly public school all together wouldn't be an option for Ethan. Poo on you Mr. Psych! You were SO wrong! Ethan is now in the 3rd grade, and functions quite well in the regular classroom. He has a few interventions and modifications, and continues to work to overcome some of his struggles, but boy has he been successful.

When my babies were born, I loved them more than life itself, and I couldn't imagine them not growing up to be smart, wise, successful, etc. You know, we moms think it is going to be OUR kid who finds the cure for cancer. ;) My naivety may have been exposed through this process of being Ethan's mom/advocate/cheerleader, but one thing I know for sure now is that Ethan can and will be exactly what and who he is supposed to be, and I will love him more and more every day. During the stressful and uncertain early days of getting Ethan diagnosed I remember crying one night, and saying to his father, "But I don't want him to just grown up and bag groceries for the rest of his life!" To that, his dad replied, "You have got to accept that that might be the best Ethan can do, and as long as he is happy, it will be ok." His dad was right. So now I say, Ethan you become whatever you want to. Grow up and bag groceries if your heart desires. Teach, build, drive, blow our minds, or whatever. Just be happy, and let the world see your beautiful and pleasant spirit, and don't for one day hide those adorable dimples from anyone. My "Michelin Man" baby is now a big boy, and I love him big time!

The Big D Word

Ok, so I have been trying to think of a way to write about the big elephant in the room, the thing that many people seem to be curious about, and the thing that I sometimes want to spew on and on about, and at other times want to never speak of again. It is the fact that I am now divorced. There it is, the big, ugly 'D' word. Going though a divorce was by far the most difficult thing I have yet to encounter in life, and yes it was a very big part of my life. In fact it was the all-consuming part of my life for over two years. Going through such a traumatic event surely effects people in many different ways. For me, going through the emotional part of my divorce was like living outside of myself, and watching a piece of me slowly die away. Indeed a piece of me did die. However, the piece that died produced growth and new life that far exceeded my expectations. A good friend reminded me recently that you find out how strong you really are when you have to be. This was the case for me. While my world was turned upside down, and my heart was breaking, I refused to let divorce destroy me or my children. Through the grace of God, some valuable therapy, time at Celebrate Recovery, and some help from some wonderful friends and family, I not only survived divorce, I became a better, stronger, and more capable person because of divorce.

During some of the darker days of the divorce I prayed for a new friend. I even told my therapist that I wished I had a girlfriend that I could talk to; someone who didn't know my children or my family, and could offer advice while giving me assurance of privacy. A couple of weeks later, I sat across the room from a woman whom I shared two classes with at Fresno City College, and we made eye contact. It was then that we both almost simultaneously asked, "Do I know you?" After a brief conversation we learned that we had not had any connection prior to this time. We did however have much in common. We were the exact same age. We had both been in long term marriages (10 plus years), and were both mothers to young children. We were also both Christians. She however was much farther along in the process of her painful divorce, and she was far less upset with God than I was. She was the friend I had prayed for! Sharing countless stories with one another, our friendship grew, and I quickly learned that she had much to teach me. It was this friend who kept praying with me, giving me scriptures to comfort me, and kept inviting me to Celebrate Recovery at her church, despite months of my excuses. It was also this friend who brought me back to a place of love and trust for God. One day with tears and anger, I expressed to her that I didn't understand why God would do this to me. After all, why would God let my family far apart, and let my husband fall out of love with me? In patience and love, she looked at me with pure conviction and said, "Shannon God did not do this to you! We live in a fallen world, and He may allow things to happen, because we as humans have free will. He did not cause this, but He CAN bring something good from something so ugly and painful IF you will let Him." She stopped me dead in my tracks of self-pity. It was THAT moment that I decided to try it God's way. I began praying, and drawing near to Him. I started attending Celebrate Recovery, and I began to practice the ever difficult teachings of forgiveness. It definitely wasn't an overnight or easy process, but slowly God began to heal me, and teach me amazing things about myself, my life, trusting and forgiving others, and He provided me renewed hope.

So, yes I am divorced, and to some that might put me in a category of earning a hideous "scarlet letter," but to me that big 'D' word stands for total transformation, and a renewed life. Of course I hope to never again go through something like it, and if I had to do it over again, I would change many things, but I wouldn't trade what I have gained for anything. As I continue to write, I will undoubtedly share bits and pieces of the divorce experience. I however don't plan to give a detailed sequence of events. If you are curious about that let's arrange a coffee date. My good friends will tell you that with some caffeine and a listening ear I can go on and on. ;)

Once when I was angry and hurt, and questioning my ex about his choices, he in exasperation asked, "You're going to be one of those old, bitter, and lonely divorced women, aren't you?" At that time I couldn't respond. Today, I shout "No, in fact I'm not." :)

Everyone Has a Story

Have you ever stopped and taken just a moment to look (or perhaps stare) at someone? Maybe someone you know quite well, or maybe even a stranger? Lately I have been seeing people a little differently. I have been a little curious, and maybe even a little nosey. I watch people, and wonder what they know that I don't. I wonder what wonderful, painful, and life-changing events their lives have afforded them. Everyone has a story, and the older we get the longer those stories become. Like the lady who works at my nearby library branch who has been showering me with her welcoming smiles for a few years now - I don't know her name, or really anything about her, except for the fact that she works at the library, and is very helpful. I have seen her at a local restaurant having dinner with someone who appeared to be her husband. But other than that I don't know if she has experienced the pain of childbirth, the loss of a loved one, the joy of a major promotion, true and self-less love, etc. What I do know is that there were days when I felt like I was literally being ripped apart inside, and was filled with deep sadness and despair, but as I quietly led my children through the library, miserably trying to play the "happy mom, everything is fine" role, it was that lady's smile that gave me a glimmer of comfort and peace. There was, and still is, something about her that makes me feel good. If we stop long enough, and try to experience people I think we will find that everyone truly imparts their story in the way they live, and we all have the power to impart something, whether it be positive or negative. Although my story is riddled with much pain, hurt, loss, anger, and other things negative, I want my story to shine through and touch people in a positive way. Hence the reason again for this blog, and the overall reason for my desire to change and grow as an individual. What do you want your life story to reflect?

I Need To Write

I need to write. I need to share, but I need to listen and learn too. Thus, I have decided to blog. Although I could "yap" on and on here, it is my hope that others will comment, share thoughts and questions, and perhaps spark ideas for future posts. Since I write from my own personal experiences and perspective this blog will surely be slanted toward parenting, womanhood, relationships, faith, etc., but I believe we can all learn from one another, so feel free to set me straight, and/or give me a new perspective to chew on. Thank you friends for stopping by, and I look forward to growing our experiences through hopefully meaningful words on a page.