My Daughter's Future Husband

I haven't been to this blog in so long that I almost forgot the actual name and password. I don't really consider myself a "blogger" anyways. This is more of an online journal for me. I enjoy looking back at my words (thoughts), and hope that one day my children might find comfort and peace in some of the words I left here for them.

For some reason, today I thought about this blog, and thought about something important that I want my daughter to know. I want her to know that I do pray for her future husband. Of course, I do the same for my son's future wife, but there is something about my daughter that makes me feel in some ways more obligated to teach her what to expect in a man. My daughter is 13 and not dating yet, and we actually LOVE it this way! Marriage seems so far off with all the other plans and opportunities she has before her. However, I am pretty sure it will happen one day, and when the search begins, I want her to know exactly what to steer clear of and what to latch onto.

Today we had some of our church friends over for a small group study. We are a group of five married couples who meet to study the Bible and other important topics to our shared faith. Today's study led us to the topic of prayer. One of the other members of our group shared a story about a friend who had heard his mom praying for his future wife while he was still young and living at home, and what an impact that had on him. It made me wonder if my kids know that I pray for all aspects of their lives, including the unknown aspects such as who their future spouses will be. I'm really not sure that they do.

Later in the group discussion, I shared a few memorable prayer moments in my life. One of these moments occurred almost four years ago with Stephen, my husband. Stephen and I had only been dating 3 or 4 weeks at that point, and had went to Sunday service at a local church called The Well. We were alone that Sunday as the kids were with their dad. We were in the very early stages of developing our relationship, and in fact, Stephen had only met the kids the week prior. While we were both falling fast and hard for one another, we were very aware of the delicate nature of our relationship as two divorcees potentially entertaining the idea of new love and possibly remarriage. This was especially delicate given the essential consideration for my two children.

The service that day was a good one! The sermon was encouraging, and the music was uplifting. Plus it was so cool for me to actually be on a DATE at church! After church, we were in my car preparing to leave for the next events of our day (probably lunch and shopping) when Stephen turned to me out of the blue and asked, "Shannon, can I pray for us real fast?" I of course muttered a surprised "yes." There we were in the middle of the parking lot, heads bowed together over the center console, holding hands, Stephen saying a short prayer. I don't remember it word for word, but I do remember that his request was simple but oh so important. He asked God to BE in our relationship, and to guide us both as we were developing strong feelings for one another, and to remind us of the importance of those feelings and decisions, and for God to teach HIM to be the kind of man who could bless me AND Ashley and Ethan if that was what God was calling him to do. When he ended the prayer we sat there in a holding/hugging position both chocking on tears, and the only thing I could think to say was "Thank You." I knew then and there that this man was a keeper, and I also knew that there was potential for something way beyond my understanding to happen. As the months progressed, it did indeed happen. God did provide a way for us and blessed us with a beautiful marriage and "remarried/blended" family.

I will continue to pray for my daughter's future husband (Ethan's future wife too). Maybe, just maybe, someone is training that boy to be that kind of man. Maybe he will grow up to be a man of strong character who knows that life is best when there is recognition and dependence upon a loving God. And maybe my girl will wait for this boy, and snatch him up when she recognizes this kind of goodness and strength. This is my prayer for you sweet daughter.

I Don't Do Christmas Cards

Tis the season, and while I love receiving Christmas cards, I do not enjoying creating or sending them. I think I did the traditional mailer-to-everyone-I-have-ever-met about 12 or 13 years ago, and found myself so exhausted afterwards that I never attempted it again. Of course, now-a-days photo cards make this process much easier, and with my mother-in-law being a postmaster with the USPS, I really should support the process and snail mail a cute card out....maybe next year. Until then, this greeting will have to suffice...that is if you are still reading. ;)

What a crazy, busy, and amazing year it has been here in lovely Fresno for the Dean/Davis clan. On 1-1-11 Stephen and I got married with our families by our sides at the central coast. After some discussion with Ethan about his name changing to Ethan Dean, or better yet, Stephen's name changing to Stephen Davis (LOL), we finally settled on Mom's name changing to Dean, with A&E keeping their names the same. Stephen has come into our life, home, and family with such love, strength, and courage, and has blessed all three of us in ways we could have never imagined. I think I still have to occasionally pinch myself when I remember all that this cutie pie, successful, former bachelor agreed to take on when marrying me (and my kidlets). He is an amazing husband and step dad, and has brought true JOY back into our lives.

So about us: A&E are growing so fast, and in fact this past year Ashley won the growth award, surpassing me in height well on her way to possibly towering over Stephen. She is in the 6th grade, and is every bit of a lovable, nutso, preteen girl. She is goofy, occasionally moody, very smart, and independent and needy all at the same time. She keeps us on our toes, and we consider it an honor to get to teach her, support her, and help her mature into adulthood. She took on the challenge of cheer leading this year, and has done quite well. She still loves to sing, act, play the piano, and dance, and will most likely be back in theatre this Spring. Ethan is still a little squirt with the cutest freckle nose and the funniest quips. He turned 10 last month and is in the 4th grade. He has amazed us all with his academic and social growth, and just keeps truckin right along becoming the little man that I hoped he could be. He tried baseball last Spring, and was crazy cute at it, but since he didn't hit every ball with perfection last season, he is resistant to trying it again this Spring. (His perfectionist personality is a blessing and a curse.) ;) He is part of a Boy Scouts troop, and has been enjoying that. He loves Spiderman, and has grown quite fond of Marvel Superhero Comics. If you lend him an ear, he will give you quite an extensive history lesson on the subject. Both of the kids are doing very well. I am proud of their strength, and although they are shuttled each week between two homes, I think they are fairing quite well in the aftermath of their parent's divorce. Don't get me wrong. I wish for their sakes that it would have been different, but I am pleased to report that as far as divorce situations go, I think their dad and I have done a good job shielding them and giving them a happy situation to grow up in.

Stephen continues to enjoy his job at Kaweah Delta where he manages a team of about 17 IT guys and gals. There have been a lot of changes in his department lately, leaving him with opportunities for learning, growth, and advancement, so he and I are eager to see how 2012 will pan out for him. He is extremely hard-working and dedicated, and enjoys working there. For now, the commute isn't a problem, because he likes the job so much. He also began volunteering to assist with the tech stuff at church this year. He is enjoying the "camera man" challenge. If you are ever at our church, turn around and look up in the top corner. He may be up there trying to get the best shot of the stage.

I am on the downward slope of my nursing program, and can almost see the end in sight. I am amazed at how quickly the last year went, and how much I have learned. I still have some hurdles to cross, and a big huge nursing board exam to pass next year, but with a little help from God I will hopefully be practicing patient care by this time next year as an RN. I loved Labor & Delivery and Maternal nursing, so that is currently my goal for employment.

The Dean/Davis family is happy and blessed, and we thank our Lord everyday for this. We miss our loved ones, and treasure all friends and family who love us and support us with kindness, prayers, and time together. May your year be blessed with love and true joy.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Stephen, Shannon, Ashley, and Ethan

It Goes So Fast

  

When you have a baby people are always telling you to cherish the time because "it goes by so fast." Then when your adorable, chubby-faced toddler adamantly demands to wear his/her favorite Halloween costume everywhere you go, never mind that it is the middle of June, people smile and tell you to cherish it because "it goes by so fast." Next thing you know, you are busy making lunches, struggling through night after night of homework, providing shuttle service to after-school activities, trying to provide nutritious family dinners, (where if you're lucky everyone sits down together), hoping and praying that your kids know how special they are and how much you love them, and hoping that you are remembering to cherish every moment.


My children are 9 and 11 now, and I love them so much that I almost feel a squeeze on my heart when I stop to think about how special they are. We share so many wonderful memories and have plans to make many more. However, sometimes I stop and recognize how fast their little lives have passed. I have had a decade with them and I almost can't believe it. I have had three and half decades of my own life and I really can't believe that!


This past week I had the opportunity to work in the ER while I train to be a nurse. I had my very first encounter with human death. Until then I had never been with anyone dying. It might sound weird and morbid, but I had actually almost been expecting this inevitable experience with a bit of excitement, coupled with a bit of anxiety. Training for the field of nursing, I knew that death would be an inescapable part of my career, and I was eager to see how I would deal with it. My feelings were in some ways expected. Of course I felt remorse for his (and his family's) loss. I said a little prayer for his soul. I also wondered about his life, and hoped that he had been happy and had remembered to cherish it. This patient was far too young to die. In fact, he wasn't too much older than me. Perhaps he even has parents still living. I feel for his surviving family, and hope that they too remembered to love and cherish him. I bet it wasn't that long ago that someone was reminding his momma to enjoy the silly childish giggles and all of his years of growing.


Life here on earth really does go by so fast. While I want my life to count and make a difference for others, I want to truly enjoy it as well. When I reflect on what brings me fulfillment and joy it doesn't take long to see the images of my beautiful children in my head, or my super cute and loving hubby, or my parents who have always loved me unconditionally, or my goof-ball sister who is virtually "attached" to me even though we live 3 states away, or her adorable family that I would do anything for, or my brother who is in many ways my hero, or my new in-laws who charm me with their southern love, or my true-blue friends like Kia and Jenn who have seen me at my worst, have laughed their butts off with me, and have "had my back" all along, or many others who have touched my life along the way. My life is rich because of these people. I love them all and I intend to never let them forget that! Who do you cherish? Do they know it?

Justice

Have you noticed that as humans we are so eager to see justice done? Last week while subbing in a second grade class I saw this human desire for justice magnified. It seemed like every time I tried to transition or snatch a teachable moment, some little person was verbally demanding that I impose justice on a fellow classmate for offenses as trivial as taking too many rubber bands at the geoboard station, cutting in line, and copying another's work. These little irate tattle-tellers were wronged, they wanted me to know it, and they hoped there would be swift justice for the perpetrator.

I realized today that I am really no different than those second graders. My experience with injustice is a bit more involved, painful, and life-altering, and although some might say I have every reason to get just as wound up as an obnoxious, tattling second-grader, I hope I do not.

A particular injustice in my life seems to be resurfacing and rearing its ugly head far more often than I would like. It involves an injustice of lies and betrayal that is undeniably painful. Although I have tried to move past it and separate myself from it, it is still there. Just when I think forgiveness has truly taken hold, an event occurs reminding me of the injustice. It just doesn't seem right when those in the wrong seem to "get away with it." 

However, like I said above, I don't want to be like those tattling second graders seeking justice at all cause. Most importantly my faith calls me to try to live at peace with all men (Romans 12:17-19). This passage reminds me that I am supposed to strive for peace and not attempt to repay evil with evil. More importantly this scripture reminds me that revenge is not my responsibility, and that God is the avenger. Secondly, I must remain aware of how my desire for swift justice could have negative and lasting effects for innocent others. Using the classroom example, when a student interrupts instruction insisting on outing the accused, others lose out. They lose out on learning, but also they lose out on peace and harmony. Maintaining peace and harmony for those I love is so very important to me, so I must not let my human desire to "tattle" supersede this.

I don't know. This whole things is SO much easier said than done, but when I am alone and sometimes fuming about the ways in which I have been wronged, I pray. I pray for clarity and guidance and peace of heart and mind. Today when I did this the thought popped into my head that perhaps justice HAS been served. Perhaps God's justice didn't come in the form of punishing the wrong-doer (just yet anyways), but in blessing me beyond my wildest dreams. True joy, a healthy relationship, support, respect, strength, self-assurance, hope, love, purpose, salvation...how's that for justice?!

My Little Piece of the Miracle

My girl recently sat with me reading the posts from this blog. I guess you could say we had one of those mother-daughter bonding moments. We have been having a lot of those lately, and I can't even tell you how much they mean to me. My 11 year old girl hugged me, told me she loved me, and told me that she is happy that I got through the pain of the past. She then asked me why I hadn't written about Stephen yet in my blog. Although I have mentioned him, she is right I haven't exactly given tribute to him with one whole write-up. I guess the task seems a little daunting to me. How do I sum up the best year (plus) of my life, and give this man credit for all the amazing things that make him my TRUE love in one blog page? I guess I really can't. I can though tell you that I feel like I have been given a little piece of the miracle of life.

It is true that I have been blessed in this life in many ways. I was fortunate enough to be born into a good family, to be born in a land of freedom, to be educated, to never go hungry, to experience the amazing gift of two brand new little lives, friendship, travel, etc. However, until meeting Stephen I can say that I had never been afforded the joy of a true, self-less, unconditional love. It is kind-of sad to say since I was "happily" married (or so I thought) for over 11 years. Sad in one way, but amazingly great in another way.

Stephen and I met through match.com. After a few emails, texts, and phone calls, we agreed to meet for a first date on Jan. 9, 2010. It was a day that changed my life forever. I remember everything about that first date; what we were wearing, what we ordered for dinner, the first hug, the way he reached for my hand when he walked me to the car, the great conversations, and that first kiss. WOW! I was new to dating. I knew I never wanted to get married again. I was guarded, ridiculously unsure of myself, and really had no idea what to expect. I had learned a thing or two about what didn't work in a relationship, and I honestly was doubtful that there would be a good and honest man left for me. I see now that I was very wrong. 

That magical first date led to weeks and months of late night phone conversations, fun dates, simple trips to the gym together, time getting to know one another and those important to us. Stephen and I fell in love and built a real friendship fast and furiously. I can't really explain how it happened so fast and almost effortlessly. I simply think it was a "God thing." I had seen enough good and healthy relationships to know a little about what to look and hope for. I was also consciously aware that I wasn't the only one to be considered. I had two beautiful children who were depending on me to make decisions that would benefit us all. I carefully considered the effects of my relationship with Stephen on the kids, and spent much time praying about it and seeking advise from friends and family. I watched them interact with Stephen, and I stood amazed at how naturally their relationships developed. Ashley and Ethan didn't know it, but they needed a man like Stephen to love them, to accept them just as they are, to be an example to them, and more importantly to demonstrate love and goodness to their momma. He has done all of those things and more for them. He has taken on the role of step-dad with such grace, humility, and love. He loves A&E as if they were his own, yet respects and encourages the relationship they already have with their "real" dad. He demonstrates strength and genuine character for them that they had not yet seen in their young lives. He is there for them...REALLY there for them, and they know it. He hasn't replaced their dad. He has however come into their lives and home and filled many voids. Some may raise an eyebrow to this, but those who have spent time with us can clearly see what a tremendous blessing he has been to my kidlets. I might even go as far as to say that he "saved" them. I know, I know. This is a tad cliche and bold. It is true though. He continues to save A&E from the hurts, pains, and frustrations unique to their little lives, and he leads our family in ways we had not ever experienced. It is good!

For me Stephen is everything about love that I almost stopped believing could be. He isn't perfect. He is however strong, honest, humble, and he has a big ol' heart. Some people speculate that it was his southern up-bringing, the amazing strength and example of his single momma, the military, etc. I think maybe it was a combination of all of it, mixed with the decision from this man to be the best he can be and love to the fullest. He is gentle, yet passionate about his ideas and feelings. He is smart and successful, yet demonstrates humility and the drive to keep learning. He is beyond respectful and chivalrous. He is a true gentleman, holding doors for women, making sure the ladies and kids get their food before he does, walking on the car side of sidewalks, etc. He is very laid back and flexible. He is supportive and truly cares. He is fun and we laugh together everyday. He loves me deeply and shows me in so many ways. He is committed to me and our family. I know that our life will not be perfect, and there will most likely be some bumps in the road, but I know with certainty that this man will be 100% loyal to me. I know that when he hurts me it will not be intentionally. I know that he won't keep important things from me, including his feelings. I know that much will happen to us and around us, but no matter what it is, he and I will be holding hands and hearts throughout it all. To me this is like a miracle and I treasure it. My husband is a gift given to me after a stormy time in my life and I am grateful.

What Does Forgiveness LOOK like?

Today I learned what forgiveness LOOKS like. Today it looked like a small statured woman wearing green approaching me on a windy playground before school. Although I know this fellow "momma lion" I haven't really spoken with her in over a year and a half. The last true encounter I had with her was anything but pleasant. It involved our daughters and took place at the school carnival. While we were both trying to protect our children, this other momma got out of hand and said some extremely hurtful and inappropriate things to both my daughter and myself. It was an altercation that I'd rather forget, and needless to say left me somewhat miffed and shaken. Since then she and I have continued to brush shoulders while we actively participate at our kid's school, without ever speaking a word about the experience to one another. I have subbed in her kid's classes. She has organized school events. We both smile, participate, and of course seek the best for our own kids (and hopefully everyone else's kid too). Until today we hadn't spoken since that ugly encounter ages ago. 

Today "Forgiveness" walked right up to me on the playground while I was on morning yard duty to tell me how much her daughter enjoys having me work as a sub in her class, and really appreciates that I keep the class under control and require that the kids listen and work quietly. Really, this is what she said! I said my 'thank yous' of course, and told her how much I enjoy getting to work with her children. We cordially said goodbye and wished the other a nice day. As I watched her walk away and hug her son, I realized that I had just seen "Forgiveness." This mother has never apologized to me with such words, but today she extended an olive branch of peace to me and I gladly accepted. It was her way of asking for forgiveness. When I "saw" forgiveness today it simply looked like two normal, imperfect moms trying to right a wrong and move forward learning from mistakes. I know that I truly saw this forgiveness today, because when we spoke I only saw the good of that moment. I didn't see the ugliness of our previous experience. That is in the past. We have both grown I am sure, and forgiveness is so much lovelier to look at than a grudge.

Giving Myself a High Five

As Thanksgiving draws near I find myself overwhelmed by blessings. Like most others I see this as an opportunity to be mindful of the "things" (actually PEOPLE) that mean so much to me. Of course my children, my family, and my friends bring me cause for gratitude, but this year is different. This year has been a year of even greater blessings, and sometimes I feel as if I could burst with excitement, joy, and even a bit of disbelief. This year my life saw a painful and challenging chapter come to a close, while a new and beautiful chapter began. This year I met the true love of my life! Who would have known that as I prayed for God's direction and plan to unfold on New Year's Day that eight days later He would bring me the man who is my soulmate and partner for life?! Those who have seen the details of my life know full well how awesome this has been. It has been like being upgraded from coach to first class, and it still amazes me.

A couple of years ago my world came crashing down, and with it my heart was broken. During the excruciating process of watching my marriage fall apart, and struggling through all the hurts involved, I kept a couple of good friends close. One of these girls had also suffered an unwanted divorce, and was somewhat of a mentor to me. She prayed with me, gave me reasons to smile, and even tried to spread a little hope for the future. One day while telling me about how she gives herself "high fives" now after encounters with her ex husband, we laughed ourselves silly. It wasn't until later when some of my pain started to subside that I really began to understand the significance of that silliness. To her it was a way to say "thanks" for freedom from the pain brought to her by her ex. During this same time in my life I had another good friend try to tell me through my tears that this might just be a blessing in disguise (meaning my husband's desire to end the marriage). Although I couldn't then see how this disaster could be a blessing, we now talk regularly about how right she was. And so now that my life has come full circle, and I have found freedom from the past, along with healing and happiness, I regularly give myself high fives. Yes as crazy as it might sound, I take the example of my fellow 30-something divorcee friend, and often throw my right hand up in the air and slap it down to meet the left hand. Sometimes when I can't physically give myself a high five (like when I am driving, or smiling and nodding while my ex goes on about something that we need to discuss), I just do a mental high five and make note of the way my heart feels filled with love and gratitude.

And so this Thanksgiving I will raise my glass of cheap red wine, and knock glasses with MY Stephen, and those two little faces that make me proud to wear the title "Mom" and say, "Thank you God," and afterwards when no one is looking I just might slap my hands together in the air, smile and know that I have been blessed!

Nothing Like A Daughter

Having a daughter is an experience like none other. No one can prepare you for the way your first born will change your life, and no could prepare me for the way my sweet Ashley would make me want to become the best woman I can be. Aged ten, Ashley shines in the uniqueness that makes her a wonderful little person. When she was born, I felt like I had won the lottery. She was a beautiful baby, easy to care for, and usually extremely happy and content. My heart learned what true love was during those early bonding days. To me she was perfection on Earth. As she grew, she continued to delight us with her sweet spirit, and "grown-up" ways. You see from a very early age, Ashley showed the world that she was actually a very wise old soul, sportin around in a cute, chubby-faced, little body. She was expectionally perceptive, and intuitive, and wise beyond her years. She indeed is still all of those things. Although she played like typical children, and delighted in the ever-new journey of childhood, there was a side to her that was seeded in realism, and a deep emotional and social understanding for her age. I remember taking her to Disneyland for the first time when she was three and a half years old. She strutted around that place much like most young children, like she was in the most magical of locations. However, when I suggested that she stand next to Minnie Mouse for a picture, she said, "No thanks. I know that isn't Minnie Mouse, and there is a real person inside of there." How could I argue that? She had figured out the truth! :) Her maturity at such a young age should have prepared me for another "grown-up" conversation to come at the age of five. While traveling through town, she asked me the question I had been dreading. Inquisitive over the topics of love, marriage, relationships, etc., she asked me about my age when I married her father. Although I was happily married to her father at the time, I didn't find it easy to explain to her that I wished I hadn't married so young. I was 20 when I married her dad. So, I explained how difficult it can be to be married so young while you are still figuring out work, school, personal values, etc. I told her that although her dad and I had made it work, we really hoped that she would wait until she was older to get married, and that we hoped she would focus on herself, college, etc., and maybe wait until at least her late twenties to get married. There was a bit of silence, and then I asked, "Ashley what do you think about that?" She replied, "I think I'd like to make my own decisions when I grow up." Remember, she was only five! Only five, and she basically put me in my place. ;) It has been the same ever since. 

Today Ashley is in the fifth grade, and is thriving as a tween, creating her own identity, establishing her own values, and learning how to be the best she can be while still caring for others. She does well in school, and has her core group of silly, giggly, not-quite-teen girlfriends. They are funny and LOUD when they are together. She loves her family, and does her best to follow the rules, and to stay in my good graces. She also gets embarrassed by me sometimes, and yet at other times thinks I am the coolest mom around. I never know when these times will be, so I just go with it, and try not to get too comfy in either the "dork mom" or "cool mom" role. Ashley is quite talented, singing and acting in over eight plays/musicals now. Her latest endeavor will be to play her first "male" role in Fiddler on the Roof. We can't wait to see her on stage again come January. She is a good girl, and my heart often bursts with pride. But along with all this love and pride that I feel for my first born, my baby girl, I also find myself sometimes over-analyzing my parenting choices, and worrying that I am not doing enough to teach her about life, and the things that she will face down the road. Parenting can be so daunting at times! I want her to know the things that I know, and to avoid the mistakes that I have made. I want her to foster that strength and confidence that comes naturally to her, but to take steps forward with grace, and humility. I want her to be successful, but to know that without real self-love, faith in the Lord, and good character, worldly success won't mean much. I want her to feel and know the joy of being a woman, and the blessings that come along with that. I also want her to know the unconditional love and acceptance of a soulmate one day. She has so much in store for her, and it is a treasure and an honor to get to be a part of it all. Although there is much ahead, and undoubtedly much that I am not prepared for, I think for now I will try to treasure the crazy, charge-up-to-mom-on-the-school-playground hugs. (Which by the way only happen on days when I am "cool mom.") I will enjoy it when she out of the blue reaches over to hold my hand in the car. And I will listen EVERY time she wants to talk, and maybe even lurk around the corner when she is on the phone with her friends. I will be PRESENT, and not miss a moment. My girl is so worth it!

My Michelin Man

Last week I sat in the small conference room at my son's school surrounded by the team of school support staff, and my ex husband. I signed the required paperwork, and listened to my parental rights, and then sat with ears perked as everyone spoke to Ethan's progress, growth, and continued challenges. As we all shared stories, concerns, and suggestions, I couldn't help flashing back to the fat little baby who stole my heart each and every day of his young life, and of the sweet little toddler who was anxious, awkward, and clearly delayed. My son is now 8, almost 9, and has come so far from those early days of doctor visits, trips to psychologists and therapists offices, and my whirlwind journey in getting him services and help.

It was over 5 years ago when my precious little boy threw me for the biggest loop when he had what I now know was an anxiety attack at a local park. Ethan was 3, and was exploring the play structure while I trailed closely behind. It was an early morning, and the park was nearly empty. He seemed happy and content. However, within a 10-15 minute time span the park became crowded. Moms, children, tricycles, balls, and sand toys quickly abounded. My boy within minutes became extremely overwhelmed. Instead of continuing to play amongst the surroundings, and to explore the new additions and little people, I found Ethan crouched down by a tree, crying, and saying, "Go home momma, go home." He was anxious and afraid, and I was perplexed and worried. It was then that my focus and plans for this little guy took a whole new direction. For months I made Ethan's diagnosis and treatment plan my largest focus. So much so that I neglected myself, and developed shingles (probably due to all those late night stress sessions pouring over anything Google could bring me about developmental delays, Autism, etc.). As I traveled down every avenue searching for information and help for my son, some were less than optimistic and not really helpful. I ignored those folks. Instead I found help for my boy through the school district, the Speech and Language Clinic at Fresno State (special shout out to Christine Maul - a wonderful professor and advocate for children with special needs, and a friend and mentor to me at the time), and I found great hope and help through the Brent Woodall Foundation for Children. (Check out their website. http://www.woodallkids.org/ They are awesome!) With special therapies and preschools, along with interventions at home, Ethan began to learn, and overcome some of his cognitive and language struggles. And at the age of 6 he entered regular ed kindergarten, even though we paid a neuropsychologist some big bucks 3 years prior to tell us that regular education, and possibly public school all together wouldn't be an option for Ethan. Poo on you Mr. Psych! You were SO wrong! Ethan is now in the 3rd grade, and functions quite well in the regular classroom. He has a few interventions and modifications, and continues to work to overcome some of his struggles, but boy has he been successful.

When my babies were born, I loved them more than life itself, and I couldn't imagine them not growing up to be smart, wise, successful, etc. You know, we moms think it is going to be OUR kid who finds the cure for cancer. ;) My naivety may have been exposed through this process of being Ethan's mom/advocate/cheerleader, but one thing I know for sure now is that Ethan can and will be exactly what and who he is supposed to be, and I will love him more and more every day. During the stressful and uncertain early days of getting Ethan diagnosed I remember crying one night, and saying to his father, "But I don't want him to just grown up and bag groceries for the rest of his life!" To that, his dad replied, "You have got to accept that that might be the best Ethan can do, and as long as he is happy, it will be ok." His dad was right. So now I say, Ethan you become whatever you want to. Grow up and bag groceries if your heart desires. Teach, build, drive, blow our minds, or whatever. Just be happy, and let the world see your beautiful and pleasant spirit, and don't for one day hide those adorable dimples from anyone. My "Michelin Man" baby is now a big boy, and I love him big time!

The Big D Word

Ok, so I have been trying to think of a way to write about the big elephant in the room, the thing that many people seem to be curious about, and the thing that I sometimes want to spew on and on about, and at other times want to never speak of again. It is the fact that I am now divorced. There it is, the big, ugly 'D' word. Going though a divorce was by far the most difficult thing I have yet to encounter in life, and yes it was a very big part of my life. In fact it was the all-consuming part of my life for over two years. Going through such a traumatic event surely effects people in many different ways. For me, going through the emotional part of my divorce was like living outside of myself, and watching a piece of me slowly die away. Indeed a piece of me did die. However, the piece that died produced growth and new life that far exceeded my expectations. A good friend reminded me recently that you find out how strong you really are when you have to be. This was the case for me. While my world was turned upside down, and my heart was breaking, I refused to let divorce destroy me or my children. Through the grace of God, some valuable therapy, time at Celebrate Recovery, and some help from some wonderful friends and family, I not only survived divorce, I became a better, stronger, and more capable person because of divorce.

During some of the darker days of the divorce I prayed for a new friend. I even told my therapist that I wished I had a girlfriend that I could talk to; someone who didn't know my children or my family, and could offer advice while giving me assurance of privacy. A couple of weeks later, I sat across the room from a woman whom I shared two classes with at Fresno City College, and we made eye contact. It was then that we both almost simultaneously asked, "Do I know you?" After a brief conversation we learned that we had not had any connection prior to this time. We did however have much in common. We were the exact same age. We had both been in long term marriages (10 plus years), and were both mothers to young children. We were also both Christians. She however was much farther along in the process of her painful divorce, and she was far less upset with God than I was. She was the friend I had prayed for! Sharing countless stories with one another, our friendship grew, and I quickly learned that she had much to teach me. It was this friend who kept praying with me, giving me scriptures to comfort me, and kept inviting me to Celebrate Recovery at her church, despite months of my excuses. It was also this friend who brought me back to a place of love and trust for God. One day with tears and anger, I expressed to her that I didn't understand why God would do this to me. After all, why would God let my family far apart, and let my husband fall out of love with me? In patience and love, she looked at me with pure conviction and said, "Shannon God did not do this to you! We live in a fallen world, and He may allow things to happen, because we as humans have free will. He did not cause this, but He CAN bring something good from something so ugly and painful IF you will let Him." She stopped me dead in my tracks of self-pity. It was THAT moment that I decided to try it God's way. I began praying, and drawing near to Him. I started attending Celebrate Recovery, and I began to practice the ever difficult teachings of forgiveness. It definitely wasn't an overnight or easy process, but slowly God began to heal me, and teach me amazing things about myself, my life, trusting and forgiving others, and He provided me renewed hope.

So, yes I am divorced, and to some that might put me in a category of earning a hideous "scarlet letter," but to me that big 'D' word stands for total transformation, and a renewed life. Of course I hope to never again go through something like it, and if I had to do it over again, I would change many things, but I wouldn't trade what I have gained for anything. As I continue to write, I will undoubtedly share bits and pieces of the divorce experience. I however don't plan to give a detailed sequence of events. If you are curious about that let's arrange a coffee date. My good friends will tell you that with some caffeine and a listening ear I can go on and on. ;)

Once when I was angry and hurt, and questioning my ex about his choices, he in exasperation asked, "You're going to be one of those old, bitter, and lonely divorced women, aren't you?" At that time I couldn't respond. Today, I shout "No, in fact I'm not." :)

Everyone Has a Story

Have you ever stopped and taken just a moment to look (or perhaps stare) at someone? Maybe someone you know quite well, or maybe even a stranger? Lately I have been seeing people a little differently. I have been a little curious, and maybe even a little nosey. I watch people, and wonder what they know that I don't. I wonder what wonderful, painful, and life-changing events their lives have afforded them. Everyone has a story, and the older we get the longer those stories become. Like the lady who works at my nearby library branch who has been showering me with her welcoming smiles for a few years now - I don't know her name, or really anything about her, except for the fact that she works at the library, and is very helpful. I have seen her at a local restaurant having dinner with someone who appeared to be her husband. But other than that I don't know if she has experienced the pain of childbirth, the loss of a loved one, the joy of a major promotion, true and self-less love, etc. What I do know is that there were days when I felt like I was literally being ripped apart inside, and was filled with deep sadness and despair, but as I quietly led my children through the library, miserably trying to play the "happy mom, everything is fine" role, it was that lady's smile that gave me a glimmer of comfort and peace. There was, and still is, something about her that makes me feel good. If we stop long enough, and try to experience people I think we will find that everyone truly imparts their story in the way they live, and we all have the power to impart something, whether it be positive or negative. Although my story is riddled with much pain, hurt, loss, anger, and other things negative, I want my story to shine through and touch people in a positive way. Hence the reason again for this blog, and the overall reason for my desire to change and grow as an individual. What do you want your life story to reflect?

I Need To Write

I need to write. I need to share, but I need to listen and learn too. Thus, I have decided to blog. Although I could "yap" on and on here, it is my hope that others will comment, share thoughts and questions, and perhaps spark ideas for future posts. Since I write from my own personal experiences and perspective this blog will surely be slanted toward parenting, womanhood, relationships, faith, etc., but I believe we can all learn from one another, so feel free to set me straight, and/or give me a new perspective to chew on. Thank you friends for stopping by, and I look forward to growing our experiences through hopefully meaningful words on a page.